It’s Not Fair
Dear Frankie,
My parents have canceled several family trips this year because of my brother Billy’s behavior. Often, when they ask Billy to do something he doesn’t want to do, he will argue with them or have a screaming fit.
When I was helping Billy pack the car for the lake a couple of weeks ago, my mom reminded him to leave enough room in the back seat for us to sit comfortably. Billy went berserk when he realized I was going to the lake and would sit next to him. He told my mom that he had no intention of sharing the back seat with me, and since she decided to take me to the lake, she should sit there. My mom tried to reason with Billy and finally got to the point where she had had it and said I will cancel the trip if you don’t agree to sit next to Patrick.
In response, Billy said, “Go ahead, cancel the stupid trip,” then stomped off into the house.
I am so tired of bearing the consequences of Billy’s bad behavior. What can we do to stop him from ruining everything?
Patrick
Dear Patrick,
You first need to know what is causing Billy to argue and tantrum before you try to change his behavior. Why, for example, did he refuse to sit next to you? Did the thought of sharing close quarters with you make him feel it was an invasion of his personal space? Why did he take your mom on and tell her where she could sit? Did he feel cornered because she waited until the day of the trip to tell him you were going to the lake and sharing the back with you?
One way your parents could make family trips more acceptable to Billy would be to provide him with plenty of advance notice about the travel arrangements and the activities planned. Billy might have been agreeable to the trip planned for the lake if he had been given advance notice and time to think about how he could make a difficult situation more tolerable.
Let’s assume that Billy has issues with physical closeness and touching. One strategy that might have made it easier for Billy was a cooler placed in the middle of the seat that could serve as a divider. If Billy knew that he didn’t have to worry about you staying on your side of the seat and touching him, sharing the seat might not have been an issue.
Strategies like this should help Billy feel over time that there are ways he can handle the challenging aspects of a family trip. If they don’t, your mom can ask a friend or family member to take care of Billy for a few days or send him to overnight camp so the three of you can finally take that trip to the lake.
Best, Frankie
© 2023 Geneva Woodruff
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